Fatima~Falmata

Love…Light…Happiness…

Independent… To Be or Not To Be? — April 17, 2017

Independent… To Be or Not To Be?

Long time no post aye? Seems so, considering all that’s happened since the last time. I might have started my growth Journal over a year ago but the real growth only just started months ago.

Through most of my life I dreamed of being a grown-up, I’d play my life out in my mind, what I wanted it to be, year after year. Especially life after school. I looked forward to NYSC (yes of all things), I wanted to travel, see the world, be “somebody”, the whole nine yards .

Lo! And Behold, it’s 2016 and I’m a graduate and on my way to becoming a Barrister and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of Nigeria, first stage down. Then to NYSC, this was where my spirit came crashing down, right from the first day of registration. My Alma-mater didn’t settle our results so we couldn’t register early (I needed Abuja to be my first choice). Second day, server was down, too many people trying to get registered (Abuja-  quite farfetched at this point). Third day, site was slow and once I finally got far into registering, my thumbprint wouldn’t upload (Abuja? LOL! Who was I kidding). By the fourth day I was coloured in negativity, i didn’t want to hear anything about registration, i just wanted my thumbprint uploaded and my green card printed out. That did happen. But of course, there was no Abuja, not even Nassarawa State. All these states were fully booked. And the states that were available had never even crossed my mind. However, i took it in, my spirit was down and i internalised that my service year, having started that way would have a whole lot of misfortunes. 

Fast-forward to January 2017, after being posted to Osun, being Called-to the Nigerian Bar, redeploying to Nassarawa State and finally Abuja, i was beyond ecstatic. Then began the hunt for a Place of Primary Assignment, futile, my spirit was even farther down at this point. So I settled. I expected something good, but until weeks into my assignment (too late for me change it) I realised that was not where I wanted to be. And it all began on my birthday.

I won’t bore you with all the details but I have read so much into everything that has happened to me so far within this year. I grew up with a sense of independence and a love for solitude but until now I had never hated it. I had embraced my ability to have 2 coins and still be able to utilise it for so long it felt like I had a sack of gold coins. I loved it. I particularly loved how it set me apart from a lot of people I knew. Not so much anymore.

I think I loved that part of my life when I knew I had other options. It was just one of the things I could do. It wasn’t compulsory. It was a choice. But now that it’s not anymore, I have to be a grown-up, i have to sit and think wisely about everything I plan to do, I have to make realistic life plans and i have to form out a strategy towards achieving them. I have to live with the fact that my Father may or may not have cut me off (though I strongly believe that he has). I have to bring back all the lessons on independence I learned when I didn’t have to. And i have to be independent.

I’ve been through physical and emotional growth. Still am actually. However, even with all their complications, they do not compare to the effects that mental growth have had on me. I am quite scared what this ‘grown-up independent’ life will bring, but hey, it’s here…

Daydreams — October 30, 2016

Daydreams

Youth is a remarkable thing. I feel blessed to be able to say this. I had an amazing youth, my younger years, when it was easy to daydream, create another world in my head, not have a care in the world.
Recently, i sat on the ground thinking about one random thing or the other, then it happened again. I was gone. I saw what could be. I saw what i wanted panning out before my eyes. I felt myself live it. Feel it. Own it. Be happy in it. I lost myself in the blue of the skies and the song of the birds again. I smelt that morning air, the one like that of my more youthful days. Nostalgia at its best.
It was always so easy, breaking away from the rush to get ready for school in the morning. Or from doing one chore or the other. Or even from being punished for one deviance or the other. It was always so easy to imagine myself in another place, another time, another reality. But this time, more than in the past, i loved it and i was consumed in it. The things we appreciate most are from the little pleasures we get, once in a very long while.
Never believed it could happen again. The memory of it that i kept in my sense’s “happy place”, i made sure i went to very often. Just so i remember that once i had no care in the world, and it felt so remarkable, so divine.
I wondered why it happened again. The voyage was everything, not something i want to question, however i wondered. And i settled on one fact, my free-spirited youthful days were gone, replaced by more consumed days, days of worry and time consciousness, however my mind wanted me to remember, my heart wanted to remember, that nothing goes wrong when one decides that they would rather be on a wild daydream of happiness, every once in a long while…

Who I Am — September 16, 2016

Who I Am

This is who I am

Timid with a touch of talkative. I’m ready to curl back into my shell soon as I start to get shot by daggers from the words I utter. Most times I won’t even say anything…. For fear of daggers

Fearful with a spark of strength. I’m scared to bare my soul to anyone, but when I do I’m strong enough to accept the aftermath. Usually after I’ve been broken into pieces, but i have a strong feeling that I do that to myself.

Happy-go-lucky child with a tinge of misery every once in a while. I laugh for days, I’ll make anyone I love laugh for days. I pray for that happiness everyday. I don’t care who my happiness affects, most often than not I’ll stop anyone from standing between me and my happiness. I’m carefree. Most days. But other days, when the walls come crashing, I’ll be keeping my misery company. Until I see how deep in I am and how fast I need to get out.

Lover –  no strings attached, unconditional, pure, beautiful love. I give my all. It’s that simple.

Forgiving, yet temperamental. One can come before the other. There really is no sequence. Depends on the who and the when.

I don’t really know who I am. Breaks my heart most times. I see other people all figured out. They know who they are, where they’re going and what they want to do. I just smile and nod. I want to do everything and be everything. 

Dreamer. Always have been always will be.

Empath. This is my weakness and my strength. 

Everything 

Nothing 

To the one that got away.. — September 15, 2016

To the one that got away..

Not sure if you’re the one that got away coz it seems I’m the one who ran away. Either way, we loved and we fought and we healed as passionately as true lovers do.
I’m happy to have known you, to have been with you, shared memories of love and joy with you. I won’t ever forget them.
This is not an ‘its not me its you’ predicament, i just truthfully feel that in both our interests maybe solo won’t be so bad.
As sweet as making up is, i choose not to get in a fight with or get mad at you. I choose to see you happy, to see you ‘chill’. I’d love to see that it’s coz of me, but i can’t eat my cake and have it, now can i?
I love how you loved me. ‘Loved’… It still hurts to see that its no longer a going concern, the feelings you professed to have once had for me. I love everything we ever shared, the laughter, the pain, the love, down to the endearment.
I don’t know of what use it is to say that i’ll always be here for you. But i will. I was before. Praying to see you happy was so easy, it will never be difficult. When you need me, I’m just a dial away, or text if you’d rather not hear my voice again.
I still cannot see myself with another, in such a short time i grew to want to never leave you. But what’s love if it’s one-sided, or at least feels so.
I’m happy to see you where you are in life, i see you growing, i can’t wait for your success story, i can’t wait to help you tell it. I can’t distract you though, it’s not worth it. Not even to ask you if you still love me. I’d do anything to see you succeed, to stop anyone who tries to stop it. To pray such person never exists.
There’s always a lot more to say to the one that got away. But why say it all if they’ll never care to listen….

Growth Journal… The Recap — September 14, 2016

Growth Journal… The Recap

At the beginning of the year I started a page called the Growth  Journal where I hoped to document everyday of growth, dreams and everything in between

I failed at it.

The why is pretty simple. I had to go through a little something called the Bar Part 2 Programme at the Nigerian Law School. Might sound like ‘normal school’ to most, but it is harsh, military-like training. At least it was for me. I couldn’t keep track of anything in my life outside it yet I wasn’t giving it enough. It took my time, my strength and my money (every kobo). It was the most demanding relationship I’ve ever been in. But i came out alive. 

Well, one foot out. 

Now I’m  thinking about growth and dreams and my relationship with the Lord. Without any distractions (except Bar Part 2 results of course). 

And today I realise that my dreams will always be dreams and they’ll always be there, unless and until I build a strong bond with Allah (SWT) which in turn will get me to that growth I yearn for. 

Hmm. 

Time will tell.. 

Dreams — July 10, 2016

Dreams

I just got my journal from 7 years ago (Secondary school)…. It’s filled with a lot of childish drama that I cringe at everytime i read, there’s also codes I can’t remember, to-do lists, scribbled notes but most importantly my dreams. The fact that even at a young age I knew the importance of having dreams and forging towards realising them makes me feel so happy. Especially since they were on the education side. What’s more is that all those dreams came true but one, which is still futuristic at this point; adding to it though, my dreams from today:
.Graduate from Nigerian Law with excellent grades. Nothing below an A in all courses In’shaa Allah
.Get called to the Nigerian Bar in 2016 after passing Bar Part 2 on the first and ONLY sitting
.Get a job at a top law firm from Service year, with great pay
.Get a Masters Degree in Law (General) or International Law and Diplomacy from Tufts University
.Become a successful lawyer – SAN (keeping my hopes up) *****
.Make my Family Proud *****

****** – dreams from secondary school

I pray that Allah (SWT) will make my dreams a reality. For it is Only by Him that the best things happen.

Quote from my Favourite Movie — May 29, 2016

Quote from my Favourite Movie

“Look at us, running around, always rushed, always late, guess that’s why they call it the Human race
But sometimes it slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place
Fate works it’s magic
And you’re connected
Every once in a while amid all the randomness
Something unexpected happens and pushes us all forward
And the truth is what I’m starting to think, what  I’m starting to feel, is that maybe the Human race isn’t a race at all”
-Wally Mars….. The Switch